A Widow's Heart
by Sandylee007
Summary: Natasha Romanoff had always known that love is for children. It wasn't enough to stop her from giving her heart to someone who'd already given away his. Despite being right there with her Clint Barton was far out of her reach. And that is how it must be, no matter how much it hurts. Clintasha, aka ClintxNatasha, aka BlackHawk AND ClintxLaura PRE FILMS ONESHOT


A/N: This idea just slammed at me like a wall of bricks. I was utterly powerless. So… Here we are. (chuckles) Before getting to it, though...

WARNINGS: Clintasha, as well as ClintxLaura, feels, heartbreak, spoilers to 'Age of Ultron'… A bit of language – sorry, Steve!

DISCLAIMER: Nope, unfortunately I own nothing. Except for my 'Avengers' DVDs. I wouldn't mind a Hawkeye plushie, either. Just a hint, in case there's anyone reading this who'd be able to manufacture such…

 **TAKES PLACE:** Before either of the 'Avengers' movies. Which means no team, I'm afraid. And the dynamics between the characters presented is a bit different from what we saw in the films… That may make some more sense when you read on… Hopefully…

Awkay. Time to stop stalling because I'm determined to get some sleep. I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride!

* * *

 _ **A Widow's Heart**_

* * *

Natasha had never believed in love. She believed in it even less after it caught a hold of her, pulled her under kicking and screaming about seven months after she first met Clint. Because she realized the cause to the aching in her chest on the day when he finally introduced her to his wife and little girl. It crashed over her like a tidal wave while she watched him with his daughter.

It was one of the most painful things Natasha had ever experienced, to simultaneously discover what she wanted and that she could never, ever have it.

The worst part, however, came a few minutes later. When she caught Clint looking at her while she held Lila. Right there she knew with far too much certainty that if they'd met a little earlier, or in some other life, then maybe…

"It's a good thing that he's finally found a partner he trusts." Laura's voice startled her. There was a guarded look in the woman's eyes, even when she smiled. It was only understandable, considering that Clint just brought home a strange woman and announced that they worked together, that in the future he'd see far more of the said stranger than his own wife. "I'm glad. He doesn't trust a lot of people."

Natasha nodded and took a sip of water, unsure what she was allowed and expected to say.

"Those missions of yours… I know how dangerous they are." Laura's gaze was focused on her husband but somehow she seemed to be observing Natasha. "Just…" The woman gritted her teeth. "Please, look out for him. Bring him home to me."

Natasha nodded. "I will." And she'd fight to keep that promise, even if it'd kill her.

* * *

A little later a mission that nearly ended in a disaster landed Clint to a hospital. For a mighty while it was uncertain whether the Hawk would pull through. Natasha spent as much time with Clint as she was allowed to, holding his hand, talking about nothing to avoid saying what might've been _everything_.

And then Laura showed up. Nick Fury must've pulled quite a bit of strings but there the woman was, dressed up as a nurse. They exchanged nods of understanding before they both focused on the patient.

It was Laura's softly whispered, broken "I love you" that finally pulled Clint back from wherever he'd wandered.

A few days later Natasha opened the door of Clint's hospital room to check up on him before heading off for a new mission. She never made it inside. The sight she encountered froze her to the spot.

Clint and Laura were embracing, the wife crying openly and the husband very close to doing the same. There was no mistaking the joy on both their faces. Natasha realized the cause instantly when her eyes fell on the positive pregnancy test that'd fallen to the floor.

Natasha disappeared from the building like a ghost. Within the next five hours she'd basically shattered a training room. She'd also convinced herself that love was for children. Which didn't make it hurt any less.

* * *

They were on their way back from a mission when there was a call from a hospital. Laura had gone into labour, almost four weeks too soon. While they were confident that both the mom and baby would be alright she'd been taken to a surgery, just in case.

Natasha wondered if she was the only thing linking Clint to sanity in the hours that followed. He wasn't crying or screaming, which would've both been completely acceptable options. But this was Clint Barton. A man who fought himself through things, who kept going even when most would've been pushed past their breaking point a long time ago. When they made it to the hospital and Lila, whom Laura had been forced to take along, was given to Clint's arms the man started babbling about the changes to the nursery he never had the time to make.

His anxious excitement roused two very opposite emotions in Natasha. Eventually she reached out towards Lila, who'd fallen asleep as soon as she was given to her dad's safe arms. "Hand over the rugrat for a bit, okay? You'll make her sick with that nervous twitching."

Clint emitted a tight, tiny laugh. His arms weren't steady when the still fast asleep little girl was handed to Natasha. "Sorry." And somehow it seemed to be for so much more than the current events. He looked away briefly, clearly fighting with himself over something. "I… know that you had other plans."

Natasha snorted. That agent, Brandt as she soon recalled, might've imagined that she'd been suggesting something more but she had nothing in mind but planning her next mission. "Please. Dating is what teenagers and people in a midlife crisis do."

There was a great deal of sadness in Clint's smile. Perhaps even remorse although none of this was his fault. "You can't just isolate yourself like that, Tasha. At least get a cat."

It was Natasha's turn to look away. She focused on Lila's face. "I wouldn't know how to keep anything alive."

Clint's coat rustled as he shrugged. "You've done a pretty good job with me. That's a start."

At that moment Natasha finally realized how close to Clint's her hand was. Far too close for comfort. It would've been deviously easy to…

The same thought seemed to cross Clint's mind, even if only for a heartbeat. Guilt, grief and something primal flashed in the archer's eyes when they met hers. All of a sudden the air between them was so thick and heavy that it was hard to breathe.

Yes, it would've been so very easy to give in under the temptation.

Too bad Clint Barton was a good man, one of the few left. Too bad his heart already belonged to someone else long before he met her. Too bad Natasha couldn't hate him for it. Too bad she respected his family too much to snatch him away from it.

And although they were sitting side by side, so very close, it felt like they'd been sliding further from one another.

They'd always be Strike Team Delta. Best friends. Natasha detested the small, stubborn piece of her heart that'd dared to wish for something more. Because of that part her heart would always be a little broken, compromised.

Natasha reminded herself yet again that she would never be able to give Clint what the man wanted and needed, emotionally or otherwise. The Red Room made sure of that. She cared about him so much that she was willing to let him be with someone who could give him all of those things. And he couldn't give her what she wanted, either.

She'd made it alone for this long, why should it change now?

They both lost track of time while sitting there, deep in thought. Eventually Clint's soft voice broke the silence. "Thanks, for being here." _I know that it isn't easy_ , his eyes filled in. She hated herself a little for the guilt and ache in them. He wasn't supposed to feel those things on one of the happiest days of his life.

Natasha shrugged. Trying to look like her heart being torn to shreds wasn't a big deal. "I'll always be there for you, you idiot." And she meant it. Just like she knew full well that he'd always be there for her, too. Even if it wasn't in the way she would've desired.

Clint saw what she tried to conceal, of course he did. And it clearly hurt, even if he managed a genuine smile. "I know, Red."

And those things they'd never get to say to each other hung between them, nearly heavy enough to crush them.

They'd never know which one of them ended up losing control. But all of a sudden they were holding hands. Squeezing with what was nothing short of despair, two people who were freefalling holding on for as long as they could until they hit the ground.

Then the ground came. Lila made a small, sleepy noise in Natasha's hold, shifting to a more comfortable position. At almost the exact same moment a brightly smiling midwife entered the room. They were barely quick enough to let go of each other before the arrival noticed. "Congratulations, Mr. Barton. You have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Would you like to see him and Laura?"

The look that appeared to Clint's face reminded Natasha painfully of why she could never, ever speak out what she really wanted. If only the sheer joy in his eyes would've been enough to keep her heart from feeling like someone had stabbed it. He nodded eagerly.

The midwife left first, right after letting Clint know where to find his wife and newborn. Leaving them alone. Slowly the Hawk turned towards her, a tidal wave of mixed emotions on his face. "Go", Natasha commanded at last, barely recognizing her own voice. "They're waiting for you."

It should've been as simple as that, even if it felt like the end of the world to watch him walk away.

Natasha stared at his distancing back. She finally lost control over herself when he was almost out of earshot. "Clint."

It was still rare that she called him by his first name. Maybe that was why he seemed a bit surprised when he peered over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

There were oh so many words on Natasha's tongue, right on the tip of it. Ready to slip out. But with the sheer power of her will she held them back. Somehow she even managed to smile just a little bit, even though it hurt like hell and she was sure that something was shattering inside her. "Congratulations."

Clint smiled. And for a moment, just one, she saw that same pain in his eyes. That same longing. "Thanks." He was already in the elevator when something seemed to bend and broke. A visible tremor sped through his whole body. "Nat…" The elevator's doors slid closed. Later on Clint never told Natasha what he'd been about to say and she never asked, because neither dared to face what the knowledge might cause.

Natasha was forced to admit, even if only to herself, that she would've given a lot if she was the woman Clint hurried to. If the child in her arms and the one who just came into the world were hers. But fairytales were for children.

Natasha pulled Lila tighter to her chest and closed her eyes, humming a Russian lullaby. For a few stolen minutes she dared to linger in impossible daydreams. She knew nothing of the tear running down her cheek.

* * *

 ** _~fin~_**

* * *

A/N: So… That was a bit heartbreaking. Poor Clint, confused by being in love with two women and married to the other. And poor, poor Natasha! In such a situation there's always one person who'll have their heart smashed. (sighs)

Good? Bad? Luke warm? The only way to let me know is through that tiny box down below. And doesn't it look super inviting?

THANK YOU, so much, for reading! And whoever knows. Maybe I'll see you again one day?

Take care!


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